We, as women, often break our own hearts, not because we are demeaning of ourselves, but because we allow ourselves to become enveloped in false hopes, that we technically create all our own.
Over time I’ve learned one simple rule, when it comes to dating with purpose. And, that is not to assume that a man wants something with you, if he hasn’t made that clear. The truth is that men, more often than not, say what they mean. If you listen to the things that a man tells you, typically his heart, and by heart I mean true intentions, not necessarily his feelings, will spill out of his mouth.
“A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.” Luke 6:45
Men, are not as expressive as women tend to be, which is why they are usually more direct than we are. Expressiveness requires too much of what they aren’t naturally inclined to, like intended gestures, dramatic body language and extensive conversation. A woman might say the same thing three times, when a man only feels the needs to say it once, plainly.
The other day, having a conversation with a good friend, he said something to me and I responded by telling him, “You didn’t even properly communicate just now; what you could have said was….” And then I caught myself and had to laugh, before I said, “Never mind, we said the same thing, I just used more words,” which only proves what we’ve always known, which is that women simply have a whole lot more going on in the realm of expression, verbal and otherwise, than men do.
But, back to the main point; often, we assume that men should pick up on the little hints that we’re interested in them, and it’s not that they are blind or stupid, it’s just that they are less likely to assume, and they don’t read minds.
We, on the other hand, can be very presumptuous about why men do the things they do, when, really and truly, there may be nothing to their actions at all.
It’s in a person’s nature to assume that others understand, act and feel the way he or she does. Women act as though men can read minds, because some of us try to. Men don’t normally try to figure women out, because they know it makes more sense to just say what’s up.
I remember having a conversation with one of my girlfriends, going on and on about this guy, who liked me, and how he did all of these little things that made me think he was suggesting more. Her fiancé, now husband, was sitting in ear shot and eventually became so irritated that he chimed in, “Don’t read into that; while you know he likes you he’s probably just doing that because he’s a decent guy, and it’s the decent thing to do. He’s already made it clear that he likes you, he’s probably not hinting at anything that he hasn’t already said.”
Sure enough, he was right. There I was, placing him on this pedestal for doing things that any decent person, interested in me or not, would have done, just because it was the right thing to do. Which probably just speaks for how many jerks I’ve encountered.
In the same, though, sometimes we meet a guy, who couldn’t be less interested in us, and because he’s nice we assume that he hasn’t fallen at our feet and poured out his love because he hasn’t yet figured out how, when in all actuality we mean nothing more to him than any of the other girls who have crossed his path and gone unnoticed. Thus the heartbreak begins.
See, women tend to expect what they give. We’re the ones who drop the hints, especially if we’re adamant about the chase, in which case we play the role of the prey, catch, prize, or whatever you want to call it. Because we want to be pursued, we are more inclined to drop the bait, in the form of hints, and hope that he bites. And, because that’s the way so many women operate, it’s practically natural to assume that it’s the way men do too, when, primarily, it’s not.
While this is something most women are predisposed to, it’s something about the way it affects the way in which a lot of single (unmarried) women carry themselves.
Before a relationship, we assume that all nice guys are interested, afraid to pursue. When we’re dating we assuming they all want a commitment but are afraid to admit it. After the commitment, we’re looking for the hints that he’s considering marriage.
I’m not saying that a man may not be contemplating the things we’re assuming he is; I’m saying that, well enough, he may not be.
Finding yourself with a broken heart is honestly not always the fault of the one you’re blaming, because sometimes, the people we give our hearts to didn’t ask for them to begin with.
Take a man at his word. Yes, sometimes men (and women) say things they don’t mean. But unless he’s gone back on his words, or failed to match his actions with them, we have to be careful who we blame for breaking our hearts, and take a good look at what we’re blaming them for.
Ultimately though, the best advice I can give, when it comes down to dating is to find contentment in whatever season you find yourself in. Submit the desires of your heart to God, as you submit yourself to his will. When he sends your Adam, he won’t make you guess, and you won’t have to break your own heart.
This made me cry. Everything you've said is true. I've been so scared because each time I meet w Godly man, I lose hope. I don't know how to move forward. It never seems to work out
ReplyDeleteOne of the most important lessons we can learn is to take responsibility of our own lives and emotions. (Proverbs 4:23) that accountability for our own hearts teaches us to better protect it, even when there are people who do actually decieve us and allow us to believe our hearts our safe with them.
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