The Top 3 Negative Phases of Singlehood and Ways to Overcome Them

Are you entirely content with being single? There were a few times in my life where I could say that this was true of my story, but there were also certain phases I passed through on my journey to total contentment, where this was certainly not the case.  Thankfully phases are meant to be passed through, not dwelled in, so they didn’t last forever.

If you find yourself stuck in one of the following phases, I’d love to share some tips on some of the ways I was able to get through each one. Hopefully they'll be of help to you as well. 

Phase 1: Cray cray for a bay bay

•         They crave attention and affection from guys.

•         They vary in terms of what they’ll do to achieve the aforementioned point.

•         They don’t see singleness as a blessing but as a curse.

•         They maintain no allusions that they’re content as a single, but make it known to anyone and everyone within earshot that they’re looking to get hitched.

Phase 2: Outwardly content, but inwardly wildin’ out

•         They respond to the question of why they’re not married with “Because I want to be,” but it’s more of a way to save face instead of a descriptor of how they truly feel.

•         They live the kind of lives expected of independent single women, but also read/own every book about preparing for marriage.

•         They go to church or young adults meetings or any public meeting place with, “I wonder if I’ll meet my husband here,” always in the back of their minds.

Phase 3: Pity party for none but one

•         At one point had a real desire for relationship, but lack of interest from guys caused them to believe they were “less than”

•         Were in the wrong kind of relationship(s) that so emotionally scarred them, they can’t believe any guy would treat them better 

•         Declare how much they don’t want to get married

Though most of the objects of my admiration throughout middle and high school never knew it, their names were always in my mouth when I was with my friends. If the saying about experiencing burning ears when you’re the topic of conversation is true, these guys would’ve needed to be hospitalized with 3^rd degree burns. Even looking back in my journals from that period of my life, I shudder and almost opt to burn my treasured “secret keepers” because all I ever talked about was my interaction with boys.

Don’t even get me started on my stalking stage…

I was definitely on the extreme end of the spectrum in this category, and I’m totally making fun of no one but myself here, but essentially people in this category exhibit the following traits:

What I’m going to suggest may sound counterproductive at first, but you’ll get my point in a second.

Ready? Here you go…

Embrace it.

Embrace that desire you have to be the center of a man’s affection, and embrace the zeal that you’re willing to put into finding that man. Just turn your focus to the man who already has you set in His sights. Turn your eyes upon Jesus. So often we pour so much into relationships seeking to get satisfaction and fulfillment, but you’ll never be able to understand love in relationship until you understand what a loving relationship with Christ looks like. He is after all who husbands are supposed to model themselves after, right? Why not get intimately acquainted with Him so that if a guy expresses interest in you, you can tell if He looks like Christ?

On the flipside, whether you get into a relationship with a man or not, developing your love life with Christ will be more satisfying than any love you could ever know. I promise. If you find yourself in this category, dear friend, I urge you to focus your energies on a relationship that produces a river of love that will never run dry.

For the majority of my adult single life I enjoyed the freedom I had to travel, hang out with friends, and really engage in my relationship with Christ, but let a guy who fit my idea of “marriage material” approach me, and watch all those idealistic notions fly out the window. I understood the beauty of being single and I fully embraced it, traveling to South Africa, Kenya, and all across the country whenever I wanted, and I encouraged other young women to do the same, but if you asked my closest confidants or if you could peer into the innermost crevices of my heart, you would see that my focus was frequently set on the day that I would share my life with someone, and I longed for the day my single life would end.

Women in this category typically do the following: 

My encouragement to these women is first to just be honest with yourself. The worst thing I think you can do in this phase is to live in denial about desires you may have. Contentment has no need for pretense, so let’s not get it twisted. Once you get honest with yourself, take that desire to the Lord. Tell Him what you truly desire, place it before Him, and leave it there. Let the freedom that comes with trusting that God knows your heart and will provide whatever He knows is best for you (whether it’s want you think it’s what you need or not), set you free to truly enjoy all that the Lord has in store for you as a single. 

Before I met my husband I had two boyfriends throughout the six year span of my stint in college. They both did something to hurt me emotionally, and upon breaking up with both of them, I would immediately feel this sense of relief, and I was positive that it was because I wasn’t meant to be married. I mean that's what I blasted all over Facebook after each break up. Likewise, when I went through spans of years without having guys express serious interest in me, I again began touting the claims that I was meant to be single for the rest of my life. It was the only explanation I could come up with for why God wouldn’t let my path cross with that special guy when I felt like I was ready.

Generally girls in this group: 

Now some people are called to be single, but to tell the truth because we’re women and we have emotions that cause us to be all over the map in regards to self-awareness, I’m still not sure how we can know that’s our calling unless the Lord clearly speaks it to us. I was one who was convinced that I was supposed to be single, and that wasn't my reality. That's I do think it’s important for people to again be honest with themselves. It’s imperative for us to identify whether we’re claiming the eternal celibate tag because of fear of past relationships or fear that we’ll never be in a relationship or because it's really God's will for our lives. To be honest, I think we get way too caught up in trying to predict our futures and we need to just live each day as the Lord gives them, but maybe that's just me.

Regardless, it’s very dishonest to claim you feel the Lord is calling you to celibacy when really you’re hiding behind self-worth issues. If this is you, I urge you also to take this before the Lord. Ask Him to search your heart and to reveal to you every hidden thing so that He can gently and lovingly wipe those hurts away and show you exactly who He created you to be.

It has taken me many years to find contentment in various areas of my life, but the good news is that I have a Savior who will never stop molding and making me until He’s completed the work He began in me.

And so do you.

What other topics would you like us to write about in the Set Apart Singles Column? Submit your suggestions by clicking here.

Check out our previous post in the Set Apart Singles Column titled, Single & Focused on Eternity.

S'ambrosia Wasike is a published author and singer-songwriter with a heart to see God's people experience deep levels of intimacy with Him. She is a former middle school teacher currently living in Kenya with her husband where they are beginning a ministry called The Joshua Blueprint, which aims to come alongside existing children's homes to teach children various expressions of worship. You can read S'ambrosia's blog, listen to her worship album and find her on facebook and twitter.