Throughout high school, I was absolutely desperate for attention from any guy that would provide it. My dad passed away when I was 7, and I wasn’t a Christian, so I had no fatherly figure to show me what kind of love I deserved.
My search for validation in boys who were just as broken as I am led to involvement with a long string of emotionally abusive guys--guys who wanted me for nothing more than finding entertainment in using and humiliating me.
One relationship in particular lasted six years and is something I just got out of recently. Because of it, I built up sky-high walls. Aside from my best friend Matt, whom I’ve known since I was 10, you couldn’t have gotten me close to a guy if you paid me.
I simultaneously craved being loved and was completely terrified of finding it.
It wasn’t until I became a Christian at age 19 that I began to understand what exactly I was worth. The years of abuse had taught me to believe that that was what I deserved, so giving my life to the Lord began the slow process of undoing all of that.
Still, even as I began to believe that I deserved love and that I would one day fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming a wife and a mother, I couldn’t bring myself to get close to any guy around me. It wasn’t until my senior year of college that this changed when I met two groups of guys whom God used to heal so many scars I’d held on to for years.
First came the guys I refer to as my “Reformation brothers.” I joined this upper-level religion class on the Reformation; the professor was running a Twitter experiment, and I joined to observe and run an account for them.
The first day, I walked in only to find that the class was made up of 15 guys and 1 girl. My personal nightmare, considering there was only one guy I had ever met before. Two weeks later, my seizures came back for the first time in seven years, and every single time they witnessed one, they were there to help and pray, even when I still didn’t know most of their names.
I tried pushing them away. I tried to prevent myself from letting down the walls and getting close to them. They insisted on loving me anyway. As I saw the way they loved and supported me that semester without wanting so much as a thank you, I began to realize that there were guys who could truly care about me without ulterior motives.
Not long after that came my “soccer brothers.” Bryce, the one guy from the Reformation class that I knew, was on the men’s soccer team, and he introduced me to the rest of the team. I started out going to the games simply because I like soccer; I wasn’t expecting them to take me in. In fact, that was the last thing I expected.
Because my self-esteem had been destroyed over the years, I never could have imagined going in that the gorgeous athletes, some of the most popular guys at my university, would want to hang out with me. I spent most of that fall semester trying to figure out what was going on, because I genuinely could not wrap my head around the idea that they could love me. Surely I didn’t deserve it.
But one day, I was having lunch with one of the players, and he told me something that has stuck with me ever since.
“Mal,” he said, “we don’t care what you look like. We don’t care that you have seizures. We’ve invested in you because you’ve invested in us. I hope you never question that.” These boys took me in and made me their sister before I realized what was happening. I truly did not know I needed them until I had them.
You may be wondering by now, “What does this have to do with your story on singleness?” Well, here’s the thing. Before I met these guys, I thought that my worth was reliant on whether or not I had a boyfriend, and considering the fact that I’ve never had a boyfriend, I didn’t think all that highly of myself.
After the damaging experiences with guys in my past, I thought that a guy could never love me. It was when I found these two sets of brothers that I realized that I was enough, just as I am. I didn’t have to try. I didn’t have to have a boyfriend. I was enough. And it was because of these guys that I found the hope that God will fulfill the deep desire in my heart to get married one day.
I’ll be honest. Finding contentment with my singleness is a journey I’m still on. I’m not a patient person, and there are still days when the fear hits me like a tidal wave. But through the family that I found in college, I have found peace in the faith that God is saving His best for me, and that not having a boyfriend now means that He is saving me from unnecessary heartache.
I know that our God is a good father, and He wants to bless His kids. That knowledge is what gives me hope that the man that He does have for me will be better than I could ever dream of or pray for, no matter how long it takes for me to meet him. I’ve learned in many situations that life isn’t always what I think it’s supposed to be, but God’s plans are always so much better than mine. I know in my gut that I want His will to be done, not mine, and that is enough for me to wait.
“Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage.” Psalm 27:14
Mallory Jones is a 23 year old graduate student in International Relations at NYU. She almost always has music playing, and she tends to sing way too loudly. She’s a (sometimes too) passionate fan of NC State football and basketball. She will talk to just about anyone, and above all else, she wants to use her crazy life story to help people see that their story can change lives, too.
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