When Jesus is Your Prize: How to Flourish in Singleness

How often do we find ourselves complaining about how unsatisfying our lives are, how unhappy we’ll be until we can find the right guy to complete us? It seems like if we can only meet “the One” we’ll finally be complete and life will start once we’ve gotten married. If you use Instagram, it’s hard to escape all the pictures of cute couples, gorgeous weddings, and happily married women that are out there. It seems like marriage just makes everything so darn perfect. It’s no wonder that singleness is treated like a nuisance, a condition that has to be gotten rid of – it’s a time of loneliness, it would seem, spent in tears, endless fantasizing, and complete unhappiness because it seems like everyone else is getting their fill of what we’re apparently lacking in.

I think the reason that there is such a struggle with singleness is because most of us women are under the illusion that the only way to be happy, the only way to be “complete” is to be in a relationship with a guy. Nothing will make sense until we’ve gotten our walk down the aisle. But we’ve got it all wrong, ladies. A relationship with a guy could never make us whole – only Jesus Christ makes us whole. That hole in our hearts and souls can’t ever be filled by the love of an earthly man. Only Jesus Christ can fill and sustain us. So if the Lord makes us whole, even before a godly marriage, why aren’t we flourishing in that wholeness of Him in singleness?

Top 10 Blog Posts on Singleness for 2016

What a wonderful year it has been for She is Set Apart! We hosted our second She is Set Apart Singles conference - click here to access, launched our first ever devotional titled, Singleness = _________ - click here to access, and published some of the best blog posts on Biblical singleness. Let's take a look back at our Top 10 blog posts on Singleness of 2016.

Number 1. Not a Ruth (Why I Won't Ever Pursue A Man Again).


Number 2. Set Apart Spotlight ft. Ashleigh Manor 

Number 3. Set Apart Spotlight ft. Rosie Awori

Number 4. Fun Things to Do While Single

Number 5. Do Better

Number 6. What if He didn't Break Your Heart.

Number 7. Wait Well

Number 8. Never Been Kissed

Number 9. Set Apart Spotlight ft. Ida Pahus

Number 10. The Journey of Singleness

She is Set Apart Singles Conference 2016

Clear your calendar - It's going down! She is Set Apart Singles Conference kicks off on September 16th, and you're invited to take part in the festivities. We're making this conference virtual and it will be live and online. It's FREE so come one, come all, & share with a friend.. This is going to be transformational! Registration is required to access the live conference and to be eligible for any and all giveaways. CLICK HERE TO REGISTER

So You Are Single?

“Yes. I am single. “I replied smiling. The man looked at me. He could not understand how a pretty woman like me could still be single at my age (I am 26 by the grace of God)!!! His reaction made me laugh. I mean why should I enter into a relationship, I asked him. He replied “I believe that A relationship will lead you into marriage”, I smiled and told him “A relationship should have a purpose; I cannot just date or enter in a marriage with no purpose and no vision.”

The Bible teaches us in John 3:16 that Christ was sent for a purpose. He was saved so we could not perish in hell but have everlasting life. By the Grace of God, I strongly believe that all I do and will do in the future has a purpose. My life has a purpose. My singleness has a purpose. My finances status has a purpose. My friendship has a purpose. If I remove the purpose, I remove my identity in Christ. Christ is my image and His Word tells me that all He does has a purpose.

How to Deal With Your Daddy Issues In Singleness

This week we are sharing with you a video interview we did with Kia Stephens of Father Swap titled, Single Daughters and Silent Fathers.

Many women have grown up without a father present in their lives.  Even if he was around and you grew up with him he was not really active in your life and maybe you didn't really have a relationship with him.  In this interview we discuss how growing up without your father impacts your romantic relationships.  Kia also provides practical steps you can take right now as a single to be healed from your daddy issues and wounds.  

Wait Well

Photo Credit: ArielleEstoria.com

That was the resounding message in my heart as I roamed John F. Kennedy Airport in NYC for the 5th hour in a row. Being raised by a military dad meant that I arrived there more than 3 hours early for my flight. Then came the bombshell that the flight was delayed by 3 hours. Then, *drum roll please* ...it was delayed by yet another hour. This was definitely not the kind of day I was looking forward to, especially since I had a 14 hour flight, a layover, and another 5 hour flight thereafter to get to my homeland, Kenya. I’m tired all over again just thinking about it and the trip happened over a month ago!

In the midst of it all, I couldn’t help but notice the uncanny parallel between my life and those delays. Better yet, my RESPONSE to those delays. Oh, the sweet sting of conviction as the Holy Spirit floods you with memories of past prayers for patience and deepened trust.

Welp! Here was the moment to practice patience and to stand firm on the promise of Romans 8:28 that every single thing that happens in my life truly works out for my good. But what was I doing instead? Murmuring like the Israelites in the wilderness who didn't even know they were about a week away from their Promised Land! (That's a sermon by itself right there but let me move on).

Never Been Kissed

Life never turned out the way I imagine it would. I am 21, a sophomore in college, have never had a boyfriend, never been on a date, and definitely never been kissed! About 85% of my friends are either in relationships, or married. Because of this, jealousy, insecurity, hatred, and low self-esteem have built up in my heart.

I have always been that girl that never gets any attention from guys, and I wanted to get noticed by them. I wanted them to know that I existed. I did not love myself. I did not accept the fact that was I fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God (Psalm 139:14).

I was afraid to look in the mirror because in my mind I was not beautiful. I compared myself to other girls at my school, magazines, and television, and in my mind they were more beautiful than me. When it came to my own definition of beauty I only looked on the outside. I wanted to have what my friends had, that girls on television had, and I wanted to have a boyfriend! While I had dream and imagine about finding “the one,” I never thought that I needed to prepare myself to be “the one.”

Do Better

Can we just take a moment to appreciate the godly desires we have! How amazing it is that we desire to do life God’s way! Living counter-culture is no joke! So again, I beseech you to really take a moment to truly appreciate our daily feats!

Selah!

I’ve become so aware of the kind of advice out there for us singles that’s so contrary to living pure and set-apart lives. Some sound like never ending lists of thou-shalt-not’s. Others are just straight up desperate tactics to get a man. “Just walk past his desk and accidentally drop something and bend to pick it up without bending your knees.” Like, seriously?

Both sets of advice miss the fullness of God’s blessing for and in a relationship. The former places the focus on the restrictions of obedience vs. the benefits of it.  The latter is just plain desperate and out of God’s will. Remember “he that findeth…?”

Single, Saved, and Parenting!

My journey of singleness really only began three years ago. Prior to this, I had been saved for 2 years and backslidden for 3. I guess I really craved the comfort, affirmation and validation that I thought only exists in a relationship. I had no real revelation of grace and had almost aborted my destiny. But God is faithful, and even in my mess, He pulled me and my then 9-month old daughter out of a dysfunctional relationship.

So there began my journey. It wasn’t just about being physically single, but of learning to become exclusively His: physically, mentally and emotionally devoted to Christ. I believe that no matter how much we may have compromised in the past, we don’t have to settle for a life of compromise as a result. God desires for and enables us to live in purity, free from sin, guilt, condemnation and shame.

My journey these past few years has been one of healing, learning obedience, and trusting God through it all. Soon enough, I found myself learning to enjoy the present and remain hopeful for the future. Yet, there was still something missing. For a long time, I still felt a discontentment deep down.

Decoding The Mystery

“The heart of human excellence often begins to beat when you discover a pursuit that absorbs you, frees you, challenges you, or gives you a sense of meaning, joy, or passion.”―Terry Orlick 

So often, we pray for the Lord to bless us: bless us with a new car, a job, a husband, or what-not. As great as these things are, most of us fail to realize that these things are merely tools for us to use, in order, to fulfill our God-given destiny.

See, inside each of us is a code, and contained within this code is the revelation of who we truly are and the purpose for our lives. Psalm 139:16 reads, "You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe. Every day was recorded in your Book!" God is our Creator. He is the only one who is capable of unlocking the code that's inside us. As we actively pursue the presence of God [His character, His thoughts, His heart], He'll diligently reveal His unique purpose for our lives.  

Is He The One?

“Oooh maybe he’s the one.”

“Oh no...him….”

”Ooooooh no it’s definitely him”…

”Lord, what do you think?….naah it’s him”

”Girl did you see the way those guys were lifting up their hands in worship?”

“Let’s go back next week to seize the bae”

Sound familiar?

If you’re somewhat active on social media nowadays, you can agree that almost every post is about marriage, engagement, pre wedding photo shoots, side chicks, relationship goals, how to catch a man, 10 things men want in their future wives, 5 reasons why he didn’t text back, and so much more. It’s no wonder why our thoughts have been bombarded with the pressures of getting into a relationship or finding a husband.

Set Apart SPOTLIGHT ft. Ashleigh Maynor

It was an October Monday morning, and this morning was different. I had dialed my parents house and was waiting for one of my parents to pick up. They both picked up knowing immediately that something was wrong.

The fact that I was wailing over the phone as if someone tried to kill me probably put them on alarm. I did feel like I was dying though! As if someone had a hold around my heart and lungs and were squeezing them like a rag, trying to get every last ounce of life out of them.

Why, was I so distraught you ask? Well, that was the day that I became…single!

You know, the nine-years-of-dating-someone-and-having-a-piece-of-your-life-that-you-thought-you-had-all-figured-out-end-right-before-your-eyes kind of single.

It wasn’t a bad break up. Neither one of us actually wanted to end things, but God had been tugging on my heart for months. Our season together was ending.

Set Apart SPOTLIGHT ft. Mallory Jones

Throughout high school, I was absolutely desperate for attention from any guy that would provide it. My dad passed away when I was 7, and I wasn’t a Christian, so I had no fatherly figure to show me what kind of love I deserved.

 

My search for validation in boys who were just as broken as I am led to involvement with a long string of emotionally abusive guys--guys who wanted me for nothing more than finding entertainment in using and humiliating me.

 

One relationship in particular lasted six years and is something I just got out of recently. Because of it, I built up sky-high walls. Aside from my best friend Matt, whom I’ve known since I was 10, you couldn’t have gotten me close to a guy if you paid me.

 

I simultaneously craved being loved and was completely terrified of finding it.

Set Apart SPOTLIGHT ft Ida Pahus

Have you ever caught yourself in thinking, “if I have a boyfriend it would be so much easier for me to feel loved?” As a single woman myself, I must admit that thoughts like this have crossed my mind. Sometimes we feel  if we just had that special someone we would be so much more loved.

You know what? Even if not one person in the whole world who loved you, you would still be just as loved as a person loved by every single person in the whole world. Why? Because your worth comes from Jesus. It does not come from a boyfriend or anyone else. Others’ love or lack of love for us can never ever change Jesus’ love for us. Your worth is found in Jesus. He is the One who defines you. As 1 John 4:7 says, “… for love comes from God.”

Your worth comes from your creator. The One who created with a purpose and for a purpose. When you have Him, you never need anyone else to be loved. Because you are!

Not A Ruth (Why I Won’t Pursue A Man Again)

There I was again, asking him where we stood. Were we going to pursue a relationship or not?

I wanted to pursue one; why else would I keep asking? But every time I had to wait for his answer, I held onto the possibility even more. The last time I asked, I knew it had to be just that—the last time I would pursue him. The last time I would hold on to hope, and instead, the time to let it go no matter how painful it might be.

That wasn’t the only time I pursued. A few years before that, I chased a guy who had been going through a break up. I showed up where I knew he was going to be. I started listening to the same kind of music he liked. I didn’t want my one and only chance for love to get away. If you’ve read my other stories about my singleness, you’ll know that eventually I did get him after I prayed for him but in the end, I knew it wasn’t what God wanted for me.

Singleness is a Time to Build Up | Part 1

Careful planning puts you ahead in the long run; hurry and scurry puts you further behind. Proverbs 21:5

There is no better season in life than singleness to do things probably you will not have time to do later. Things which will put you ahead in the long run in life. This is the theme of this post, to let you know this your opportunity to build up a purposeful life which will harvest good fruits later in life. Even more, if you plan well, you will see those fruits in your children’s life also.

Singleness is a time to:

1.    Grow up spiritually: Many writers have written about this subject, so I will only add that you probably will not have as much free time as you wish later in life. Marriage and children, although great blessings, are also huge energy and time consumers. This is the best time to set up a deep relationship with God

Steady, My Heart

“The light of God will cause you to give up a man you can see for a man you cannot see!”  Bishop T.D Jakes

I saw this on my Instagram feed and immediately had to stop and have a moment with God. This quote transported me into my past, reminding me of the many mixed emotions that were involved when my previous relationships ended. I remember feeling like I had gotten the green light from God about pursuing a relationship with each person. I had prayed, fasted, done character evaluations (of them), considered our many previous conversations about God, life and love and felt like we had aligned beliefs and visions for the future. When things started coming up that showed otherwise, I was devastated! Was God now saying the opposite? Had I heard wrong? Had I heard at all?

Oh but I did hear... selectively! I was so busy listening for a confirmation that I missed the convictions. God was trying to show me areas that I needed to grow more in but i wasn't looking to hear that. Clearly, I missed the hints. What ended up happening instead, was that I’d only gotten a clear vision on the other person’s shortcomings, remaining blind to my own. But doesn’t it take two to tango? Sometimes we have to let go because WE are the problem. We attract who we are and when our identity doesn't reflect Christ, neither will our partners’. These unholy relationships can only breed compromise.

He Says I'm Worth It But Am I?

His pursuit is constant, unwavering and unmatched. However, at times, we can't help but think: Am I actually worth pursuing? Does He really want all of me? The answer is YES! Even the most darkest and untouchable parts of ourselves we refuse to acknowledge or have buried over time, He wants it all and He wants it all today. It doesn't make sense that despite my past, the mistakes I made that He would pursue me relentlessly but the truth is His pursuit is intentional, pure and weighted with a purpose. By nailing himself on the cross to carry all mankind's sins serves as a reminder that we were worth it and the beauty of it all is that we didn't even have to say yes to Him first.

Singleness = Pursued

If we are not careful we may desire to be married so bad that we become distracted and we forget about God and what he has made us to do. Matthew 28:19-20 clearly states what we should be doing in every season of life.

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20

This applies to everyone whether single or married.

If we loose sight of this we can become just like Gomer in the book of Hosea. We go after our lovers and forget the Lord.

The Big "V"



Photo Credit: Arielle Estoria Chroniclesofalioness.com

Had that “no new friends” bandwagon that people have been jumping on left and right come out a few years ago, I would be sitting front row and center. Even though I’m a very friendly person, I’m also private and it wasn’t until a few years ago that I also used this as an excuse not to let people in. I talked to a lot of people but my interactions for a long time were limited to courteous ‘hellos’ and ‘how’s your week been?’ I was content with my handful of close friends, and my family who were my support system and  accountability partners.