Set Apart SPOTLIGHT ft. Ashleigh Maynor

It was an October Monday morning, and this morning was different. I had dialed my parents house and was waiting for one of my parents to pick up. They both picked up knowing immediately that something was wrong.

The fact that I was wailing over the phone as if someone tried to kill me probably put them on alarm. I did feel like I was dying though! As if someone had a hold around my heart and lungs and were squeezing them like a rag, trying to get every last ounce of life out of them.

Why, was I so distraught you ask? Well, that was the day that I became…single!

You know, the nine-years-of-dating-someone-and-having-a-piece-of-your-life-that-you-thought-you-had-all-figured-out-end-right-before-your-eyes kind of single.

It wasn’t a bad break up. Neither one of us actually wanted to end things, but God had been tugging on my heart for months. Our season together was ending.

But here I am, 2 months away from my 28th birthday, 2 years away from my 30th birthday and I’m about to be solo dolo. That’s not how I planned it, God! I already changed my plans from being a Dermatologist at 29 to being a Licensed Professional Counselor, aka Therapist, at 28.

I wasn’t married at 26 like I thought I would be, and now I’m single and living in Detroit, one of the worst places a single Black woman could ever be according to the countless Cosmopolitan polls. Lord, how could this happen?!

I was panicking! I was scared to start over, fearful of being alone, and a bit mad at God that he couldn’t just put his two miracle-snapping fingers together and fix the entire situation.

Deep down, I knew that ending the relationship and starting over was the right thing to do, it was His will. That didn’t make it any easier.

As a counselor, I knew what I needed to do to get out of the funk I was in. I couldn’t continue crying every day and I couldn’t keep being fearful of this new single place I was in. I remember seeing a counselor, because every good counselor has a counselor, since it’s nice to have someone you don’t know hear your story and give you an unbiased perspective.

I remember her asking me, “What would you tell your client?” My response was, “Don’t be afraid to start over and stop showing God how small your faith is”.

That’s when it hit me. I obeyed God, but didn’t completely trust Him with the follow through. I was panicking about being single because I was trying to figure out how to be in this new space by myself.  All I had to do was tell God how scared I was and ask Him to guide me through and trust that whatever He had for me would be for me.

I took the New Year as my way of starting fresh and I was intentional in embracing my singlehood to work towards getting to that golden place of contentment that everyone had been talking about.

First, thing on the list was deepening my relationship with God. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to seek genuine contentment until I got full of Him first.

I started journaling my prayers. I would do a devotional every morning, I was spending more time in His word, started going to church more consistently on Sunday and Wednesday bible study. I even started a ministry for singles with a friend from church to help other single women and men who were struggling with single life like I was.

Anything and everything that I could do that would get me to understand God more was my mission.

As months went by my heart started to change. I definitely trusted Him more, stood on his word and had a strong faith that God had me right where I was for a reason. I had work that needed to be done for his kingdom and couldn’t do that without being solo dolo.

Next, I had to work on my thoughts and get control of my mind. Just because I was getting closer to God, that didn’t mean contentment was something that was easy to jump right into. I would be in church and any cute guy that I would see, my eyes would go straight to his finger, wondering if he could be the one. Can you believe that?! I was in the house of the Lord and couldn’t even give him my undivided attention.

When the smallest thought would come into my head about being single, or getting curious about a handsome brother in Christ that was more than likely some other woman’s future husband, I would start repeating Proverbs 19:21.

“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.”

I made my goal to be steadfast in clarifying and pursuing my purpose in singlehood, because ultimately God was the one writing my future love story.

Lastly, I had to learn how to be alright by myself. I had been so used to doing things with my ex, that I had learn how to be comfortable solo. I learned how to become great company to myself. I would see a movie after church on Sunday, I would go to the museum, I joined a kickball league and took golf lessons. I started to step outside of my comfort zone by doing things that I was would have been a fearful to do alone.

Instead of allowing fear dictate how I lived, I chose to master my fears and show Let me tell you, the was a liberating year. I learned a lot about myself and began to realize how resilient I was. I was always the spontaneous type, but now I didn’t have to wait for someone to be spontaneous with. If I wanted to do it, I just did and I really started to genuinely have more fun!!

So, to my single sisters I encourage you to learn to embrace your single season and make sure you at least do two things:

1. Stay close to God! Trust him fully and use this time to devote solely to him.
2. Stop letting fear drive you--challenge yourself to be uncomfortable and enjoy this time in your season of waiting.

I had the most liberating year when I walked in faith, deciding to go against society’s standards and make being single and almost 30 a great thing. I learned so much about myself and began to see my resilience. I became a better version of myself. A new and improved Ashleigh that now can contribute so much more to a relationship because of the growth, confidence, happiness and contentment I acquired being single.

I promise you it’s not the end and it gets better, but you have to want better for yourself. Love God most and trust him with your plans, that’s when the increase in your life happens. That’s when He will place someone in your life, because He knows you now know how to love them best.

Ashleigh currently resides in Canton, Michigan. She loves to bake, salsa dance, attempt any Pinterest DIY projects and serve God through singing in her church choir. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor who enjoys helping others cultivate healthy relationships and discover their passions in order to live their life intentionally. 
Blog | Instagram