Not A Ruth (Why I Won’t Pursue A Man Again)

There I was again, asking him where we stood. Were we going to pursue a relationship or not?

I wanted to pursue one; why else would I keep asking? But every time I had to wait for his answer, I held onto the possibility even more. The last time I asked, I knew it had to be just that—the last time I would pursue him. The last time I would hold on to hope, and instead, the time to let it go no matter how painful it might be.

That wasn’t the only time I pursued. A few years before that, I chased a guy who had been going through a break up. I showed up where I knew he was going to be. I started listening to the same kind of music he liked. I didn’t want my one and only chance for love to get away. If you’ve read my other stories about my singleness, you’ll know that eventually I did get him after I prayed for him but in the end, I knew it wasn’t what God wanted for me.

It can be so painful waiting for a man to pursue us. We look around and see our friends getting married and having children, posting their seemingly picture-perfect lives on Instagram, and we wonder when it will be our turn.  Over time, we can start to lose hope that God is writing our love story and instead try to take it into our own hands. What I learned through these times of desperation has made me surrender my desire for a husband because I’ve learned about the true beauty of being pursued.

1. Ruth is the exception, not the rule. Many of us know the story of Ruth. She was a Moabitess who followed her mother-in-law Naomi to Israel. At Naomi’s suggestion, Ruth waited until Boaz has fallen asleep after threshing, uncovered his feet, and laid down beside them.

Why would Ruth do that? Ruth was not just a single, but she was a widow. Despite Boaz admiring her for her care of Naomi (and perhaps the fact that he was older than her), he may have been hesitant to pursue because of her time of mourning. By uncovering his feet and speaking to him the next morning, Ruth let him know that she wanted him to be her kinsman redeemer.

But the choice belonged to Boaz. He could accept or he could refuse. Had he refused, Ruth and Naomi would have lived destitute lives but because of Boaz’s character and his care for those who worked for him, he clearly showed that he would step into the rescue.  God turned this seemingly bad situation into a marriage that would continue the lineage of the Messiah.

While Ruth may have initiated due to her circumstances, ultimately it was Boaz who pursued making sure that the other family member who could have been her kinsman redeemer turned it down. There have been some women in the Bible who have tried to rush God’s timing and take control into their own hands. Ruth ultimately gave Boaz a choice (not an ultimatum) and he pursued.

2. A man needs to seek so that he can find (you). Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord”. There have been so many stories about women who have given themselves mind, body, and soul to a man in the hopes that he would marry her.  When our self-esteem is so low we look to man and not God to give us value, we don’t see ourselves as being a “good thing”.

There is something about seeking something that once it’s obtained makes it important. If I lost a diamond ring, I would turn my house upside down looking for it. I’d search through every crack and cranny until I found it. If I can place so much value on a diamond ring, shouldn’t I place even more value on my heart? Shouldn’t you?

What if you keep running into Boaz? Wait. Wait and trust in God. Your Father knows how much more precious you are then you do because He was willing to give up His Son to die on the cross for you. There is nothing or no one on this earth that can show you how beloved you are than that ultimate act of sacrifice.

Use that as the standard when you’re thinking of giving your heart to someone. Would he give himself up for you the way that Jesus did for His church? If he is taking from you instead of giving to you, then don’t allow that kind of relationship to continue. You are worth pursuing!

3. Know who you are in Christ. I know the frustration is very real when it comes to wanting marriage and not receiving it. Your identity is not based on whether you have a Mrs. in front of your name. Your worth is solely based on who Jesus says you are. I wanted nothing more than a guy to see me and want the love that I had to give.

I wanted him to want to know me when I barely knew myself. There were so many things I was unhappy with that I thought having a boyfriend would solve, that instead it only made me unhappier. Someone asked me once how I overcame my self-esteem issues and I answered I got to know who I was—and I liked myself after I did.

When you know who you are in Christ, when you know the deep and unending love God has for you, and when you like the person God created you to be, you may still go through times of doubt and struggle, but you will hold on knowing that God gives good and perfect gifts to His children.

Would you ever pursue a man? I’d love to know your thoughts so please comment below!

Liv is 34 years old and lives in New York City. She has lived in NYC for most of her life except for a four-year period when I went to high school in Connecticut. She is a single daughter serving - encouraging women of all ages in their singleness and identities in Christ.

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