Never Been Kissed

Life never turned out the way I imagine it would. I am 21, a sophomore in college, have never had a boyfriend, never been on a date, and definitely never been kissed! About 85% of my friends are either in relationships, or married. Because of this, jealousy, insecurity, hatred, and low self-esteem have built up in my heart.

I have always been that girl that never gets any attention from guys, and I wanted to get noticed by them. I wanted them to know that I existed. I did not love myself. I did not accept the fact that was I fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God (Psalm 139:14).

I was afraid to look in the mirror because in my mind I was not beautiful. I compared myself to other girls at my school, magazines, and television, and in my mind they were more beautiful than me. When it came to my own definition of beauty I only looked on the outside. I wanted to have what my friends had, that girls on television had, and I wanted to have a boyfriend! While I had dream and imagine about finding “the one,” I never thought that I needed to prepare myself to be “the one.”

Psalms 37:4 says, “delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I certainly did not delight myself in the Lord throughout high school and my first year of college, I delighted myself in what I wanted and what I thought was “good for me.” I had forgotten that God does have a plan for my life. I wanted things and I wanted them now.

I had let myself believe that I was not good enough because boys were not texting me or asking me on dates, I never thought that God was protecting me by not letting me get in relationships. There were nights where I would get lonely and instead of turning to God, the One who knows it all, I turned to the internet and what it had to offer.

Over the summer I went on 10 weeks discipleship program with a campus ministry from my school and that is where and when I was truly convicted of my sins, I got a better understanding of the cross and what Jesus really did for me. That is where I found my identity, which is in Christ Jesus and not in a relationship. Being single does not mean that I am less beautiful than those girls who are in relationships or married. Now, to me, it simply means that I am content enough where I am to wait on God to allow the right guy to enter my life.

You see, I have been wanting to be in a relationship for the wrong reasons; because I get lonely or depressed, because I wanted someone there to tell me that I am beautiful, to show off, or to feed my insecurities. I wanted a boyfriend to make me feel good.

I was not satisfied in the love of God and what He had done for me and all that He continues to do. I was not on fire for Christ, my life and my thoughts did not reflect him...until the fall semester of this school year. I have truly let God intervene my life and have truly accepted the love of Christ. I am striving to be satisfied in Christ and in Christ only.

Do I still want to find a nice, godly guy and get married and have a family of my own, yes I do, but it is not up to me, it is all up to God and His timing because he does have a plan for my life. I also have accepted the fact that I may never get married, but that does not mean God loves me any less than my friends who are in relationships or married.

So, in the meantime of waiting: I am sharing the gospel with girls in my dorm, having compassion for the lost sinners, studying more about Christ, celebrating with my friends who are engaged (which is 3 of them this month, so far….) I am celebrating being single, and--most importantly--falling in love with Jesus more and more every day and striving to be more like Him!

Miki Noah-Wilson is a Haitian born, lover of Chinese food and sunflowers. Miki was adopted when she was 12 and has been in America for 8 years now. She currently is a sociology major at Tennessee Tech University and her favorite animal is elephants. Instagram